Douglas and Heather Boneparth
Photo: Sylvie Rosokoff
Love is complicated. Add in money and it gets even more so.
But in their new book “Money Together,” Heather and Douglas Boneparth argue that having honest and proactive discussions about finances can make partners closer — and eventually, wealthier.
They begin their book, published last month, with an anecdote of a couple who had the difficult money talk a little late — on their honeymoon, over a cold seafood salad in Positano, Italy. (The Boneparths were also on vacation, and eavesdropping.) It became clear that the arguing pair had just discovered the husband had credit card debt, and that the wife’s parents weren’t paying off her student loans.
Of course, it would have been better if this couple had sorted these things out before they walked down the aisle. Yet couples fight so often about finances, at all stages, because “money is more than money,” Heather tells CNBC. Beneath these arguments is each partner’s unique history, disappointments, fears, desires and expectations.
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Heather and Douglas, who met during their freshman year of college and married in 2013, provide readers with advice on how to talk about money with your partner, and how to manage your finances in a long-term relationship to make it easier to get out of debt, buy a house and accomplish other shared and separate goals. In their telling, that’ll first involve understanding what money means to your partner and why — and moving beyond fantasies about the future and each other.
“At some point, your loose conversations have to turn concrete,” they write in their book. “Your dreams need real roadmaps.”
Douglas is a certified financial planner, the president of Bone Fide Wealth in New York and a member of CNBC’s Financial Advisor Council. Heather, Bone Fide Wealth’s director of business and legal affairs, is a writer and former corporate attorney.
The interview below has been edited and condensed for clarity.
‘When there is scarcity, you see shame rear its head’
Annie Nova: You guys write that couples fight about money, no matter how much or little they have of it. Why do you think that is?
Heather Boneparth: Because money is more than money. Some of the emotions we tie to money include love, safety, independence, trust, control — and that’s true for people from any socioeconomic background. But when there is scarcity, you see shame rear its head in different ways. You also see partners in conflict over what constitutes acceptable ways to earn or borrow money, which might relate back to your culture or how you were raised.
AN: Heather, you describe realizing that your decision to borrow $200,000 in student debt was a huge mistake. But having Doug as a partner helped you find a way out. How so?
HB: Debt can feel like a perpetual reminder that you are lacking; not just in money, but in other ways, too. But Doug co-signed the loan to refinance my student loan debt. Knowing what an emotional impact the debt had on me, this was a more sweeping gesture than almost anything a partner could have done. He was saying, “Your burdens are my burdens.”
“Money Together” by Heather and Douglas Boneparth
Courtesy: Heather and Douglas Boneparth
AN: You also write that you “cringe” at the idea of being saved. Why is that, and what does it have to do with entering your 40s?
HB: I don’t like the idea of having saviors and those who need saving in relationships. It lays the foundation for a disparate power dynamic. Often, it implies that the partner who needed saving could not save themselves, and that partner begins to believe it. They believe that they don’t have the skills or knowledge to participate in the household finances, when that’s simply not true.
When I mention my age here, it’s more to demonstrate that a lot can change in a decade. I’ve built my confidence back, brick by brick.
‘Making room’ for your partner’s money perspectives
AN: You write about how important it is “to make room” for your partner. What does this mean from a financial perspective?
HB: Some of our deepest feelings around money stem from our individual backgrounds. Now, try marrying those beliefs and behaviors with someone else’s. It’s not easy, and we don’t always take the time to understand enough about our partner’s underlying feelings around money and why they do what they do. That’s how you end up in recurring arguments about surface-level issues like a credit card bill rather than getting to the root cause of why you and your partner have differing views around lifestyle and spending.
I think “making room” from a financial perspective means making room at the table for your partner’s financial beliefs, goals, appetite for risk and opinions about how you save, spend and invest.
AN: What are the risks of failing to talk about money together, and even hiding things from your partner?
Doug Boneparth: Resentment and a breakdown of trust. When you hide financial details from your partner, whether it’s debt, spending habits, or something you’re just embarrassed about, it never stays hidden forever. Having to explain something uncomfortable later only makes it harder to deal with.
‘Talk about money without talking about money’
AN: How early on should a couple start to talk about money?
DB: The earlier, the better. But that doesn’t mean you have to dive right into the numbers. Imagine talking about that on a third date? Not cool. But there are so many ways to talk about money without talking about money. You can learn a lot by asking questions about someone’s past, like what their childhood was like, where they are from and what they value.
AN: What do you think is the ideal arrangement for a married couple to share their money? Joint or separate accounts? And why?
DB: I’ve found that joint accounts for managing household expenses work best. It promotes transparency and teamwork. When both partners can see what’s coming in and going out, it reinforces that you’re in this together. That said, there’s nothing wrong with keeping your own individual checking accounts, too. Maintaining your sense of financial autonomy can be really healthy.
Using ‘financial fairness’ to navigate imbalances
AN: How can couples navigate a big difference in wealth or income between them?
DB: You can’t bridge that gap if you don’t first acknowledge it. But when one partner earns or has more, unspoken assumptions can creep in. That’s where disparate power dynamics can calcify. Instead, Heather and I write about “financial fairness.” Fairness means you both feel respected and seen for what you value individually and as a couple. One person might earn more while the other contributes in different but equally meaningful ways, like managing the home, raising kids and planning for the future.
AN: What are some of the couple discussions that need to happen around family wealth and inheritances? What about when there is also an imbalance here, with, say, one person standing to inherit a large amount and another partner nothing?
DB: Conversations around family wealth and inheritance can be tricky because they’re rarely just about money. They can carry a lot of grief and expectations. The best thing couples can do is treat inherited wealth as part of a shared conversation. Talk about what that money represents, what boundaries you want around it and how it fits into your long-term goals together.
AN: There’s a lot of headlines in the news lately about layoffs. How can couples best respond when one person loses their job?
HB: You don’t want to offer solutions too fast to your partner when they might still be reeling from their job loss. For some, losing your job can feel like losing your identity or your power. Those are heavy feelings that need some space to breathe. But of course, you do need to eventually address what transitions or accommodations might need to take place in your lives due to a loss of income.
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